Revenge of the Water God

My goal through most of my adult life has been to be independent.  Fortunately I am a pretty good actress because most of my friends and family think I am independent.

Wrong!  But I try hard.  Really hard.

What I am leading up to is my ongoing battle with the Water God.  He and I have butt heads before and every time I have ended up with a head ache and no water or too much water.

My last major battle with him was a few years back when my toilet was malfunctioning.  I had taken a class at the local junior college on basic toilet repairs and it seemed simple enough.  I went to Lowe's, purchased  new guts for the toilet tank, got out my instructions and went to work. 

First rule, turn off water.  I fooled around in back of the toilet and found a turn off valve, turned it tight, then went straight to the nitty gritty process of gutting the inside of the tank, all the while water kept gushing in. 

What the????  I turned off the water.  Right? 

Water was rapidly approaching the top of the toilet bowl as I desperately searched for anything to scoop out the water before it over flowed onto my bathroom carpeting.  In the bathtub in a bag of plastic toys the grandchildren play with was a little blue plastic bucket.  Hooray!  I was momentarily saved but what next?

I tried dipping water while inserting funny plastic thingies in the toilet tank following the pictures in the directions.  The water was icy and my fingers were turning numb and were no longer bending around the rubber plug thingy.  I finally got the rubber plug in the hole at the bottom of the tank but the water was still spewing out into the toilet bowl faster than I was able to scoop it into the sink.  And I still had to attach some other funny shaped thing-a-ma-gigs

My blood pressure was rising and my patience had been gone for quite some time when in desperation I called my brother who lived a short distance from my house.  Hysterically I yelled at him to get over to my house and stop the Water God from destroying my house and drowning me.

Bruce gets worked up over nothing and calmly told me he was eating supper and would come over in an hour or so.  I explained the facts to him.  God had made a pact with Noah, not me and since I cannot swim I was going to drown very shortly.  Bruce's reply was simple, "turn off the water".  I did!  Didn't I?  He then explained that I needed to go to the basement to turn off the water.  Now that sounded simple enough except that I had no idea where the water valve in the basement was and in the mean time while I explored the secret hiding places in my basement the Water God would be upstairs turning the first floor into a water playground.

Ten minutes later (felt more life ten hours later) my brother shows up at my door.  He slowly meanders into my bathroom and bursts into laughter.  Water was everywhere and I was scooping as fast as I could.  He really has a morbid sense of humor and I would have liked to have strangled him about that time but I thought better of it and let him survey the situation and take over.

He went to the basement, turned off the water and within fifteen minutes had changed out the toilet innards.  He then showed me where the water valve was located and explained all of his steps so that I could do the same the next time I found the opportunity to play around in my toilet, as if this was one of my favorite activities.  I thanked him profusely even though I wanted to gag.

So a couple of weeks back the Water God thought he would have some more fun with me.  First he stuck the water stopper thingy in the bathroom sink in the hole so tight I couldn't get it up.  I tried prying it up with a couple of thin knife blades with no avail.  All I managed to do was break the tips off the knife blades.

FINE!  I now brush my teeth in the kitchen sink.  Guess I showed him!

Then the toilet started acting up.  Now that is a sore subject but I had to have a toilet.  No pooping in the bathtub.  The Water God played with me for a while. 

I found if I just held the handle down the whole time it was flushing it worked.  Okay, it was a bit of a bother but I could live with that.

I should have known the Water God could not let me get away with that.  Eventually holding the handle down didn't work and I was forced to lift the heavy tank lid and piddle around in the water.  The problem looked simple enough.  A chain was corroded and needed to be replaced.

Simple, even I can handle that, right?  Off to Lowe's.  I love it when they meet me at the door and ask if they can help me.  After a quick explanation I was led to the plumbing department and shown some chains made for the toilet.  A dollar and seventy nine cents and I am ready to rock and roll.  Piece of cake!

Oops, the new chain was different from the old chain.  An hour later and not only have I not attached the new chain but I have also destroyed the little do-wacky that was attached to the rubber plug. 

Back to Lowe's.  The nice young man met me at the door and smiled politely as I explained my new dilemma. 

Back to the plumbing department.  Nice Young Man quickly found the parts I would need then took me over to a toilet set up for demonstrations to describe what my next steps would be. 

Cool!  Four dollars and eighty nine cents later I was on my way back home to face the dreaded Water God again.  I followed Nice Young Man's directions without a deviance without any problems.  Maybe the Water God was sleeping.  It wasn't like him to let me get away this easily.  All I needed to do now was to attach the new chain to the stick that is attached to the flusher handle.

Oops!  I guess I had cracked the stick fighting with it as I tried to attach the chain because it broke off and dropped into the tank on my very first flush test.

Back to Lowe's!  As I walked through the door I swear I saw Nice Young Man and his friend flip a coin.  What was that all about?  Probably flipping to see who got the dingy ol' red head.  Nice Young Man was good about losing the flip and directed me back once again to the plumbing department.

Seven dollars and forty eight cents later I was ready to tackle the job at hand.  This time I bought all metal parts.  Not taking a chance of breaking any more cheap plastic.  Surprise, I did it!  No, not on the first try but did you really think I would fix it on the first try?   It was a good thing I bought metal parts because I had to force it in the little hole and I really didn't want to face Nice Young Man again.

Water God and I are at peace once again.  I don't know for how long.  Perhaps I should burn some incense in the bathroom every so often in homage to appease him?  It couldn't hurt.