Big Brothers Big Sisters

For the past 8 years I have worked with Big Brothers Big Sisters, an organization sset up to mentor children whose family for one reason or another are unable to give them the guidance needed to become responsible adults.  Perfect spot for me since my father drilled the word responsibility into my head.  If you look very closely you will see the hole, I kid you not.

My Little (as these children are called) was a sweet little 10 year old who at the age of 2 was set on fire by her father and later abused by her step father.  I always had to remind myself that this family was terribly dysfunctional so I don't know how factual the information I received was however she is covered with scars of 60% of her body.  From what I saw I think 80% would be more accurate.  She had had 11 surgeries by the time I met her.  Her stomach and back looked like the skin of a reptile and she wore a wig because hair doesn't grow on scar tissue.  Through all of this, she remained a sweet little girl who just wanted to be accepted by her peers like other little girls.

Big Brothers Big Sisters do all they can to help the child feel safe and secure with their appointed mentor so our first year together was only during the school year.  We met during her lunch period.  We ate lunch together then hung out.  some days we played outside on the playgroud but most days I had planned crafts or games to entertain her.  Those activities gave us a chance to get to know each other and to build trust.  By the second year I wondered if I was really making a difference in this child's life.  I was considering quitting.  I had only discussed this with a friend but as we all know God works in strange ways and must have been listening.  One day the child's teacher stopped me as I was bringing my Little back to her class room.  She wanted me to know what a difference there was in this little girl the days she knew I would be there.  On those days she was not sullen and withdrawn.  She was bright and happy.  She thanked me for my efforts.  I couldn't thank her enough for telling me.  Now I knew, I wouldn't be able to make a big difference because I was with her for such a short time but I was able to put a little sunshine in a little girl's sad life.

Initially when I was interviewed by Big Brothers Big Sisters my goal was just to get one person off welfare.  I learned so much from this child.  I was raised in a traditional Amrican family.  My mother was a stay at home Mom who slaved all day and into the night to take care ofmy 5 siblings and me while my father worked to keep a roof over our heads and food in our tummies.  I thought we were poor.  I was so wrong.  I do believe my Little's mother tried but was incapable and ill equipped to much better at nurturing her children.

My Little is now 18 and on her own.  Was I able to make a difference?  I don't know but what I do know is that her little sister was 14 when she first became an unwed mother.  A year later she had her second baby.  My Little stayed in high school, stayed off drugs and has an inplant so that she will not become pregnant for the next 5 years.  Will she be a model citizen?  Only time will tell.  I've learned to be thankful for little successes.

Summer Rain

Temperatures rising
90, 92, 96
a sweltering 98 degrees
midday
yet the streets are barren
who dares
venture out of the A/C?
Suddenly
a crack of thunder
clouds open
releasing cool
refreshing
summer rain.
I run out into the street
rejoicing
singing
playing
wondrous rain soaking
my hair
my face
my clothes
clinging to my wet body.
Thank you, oh Great One
for life saving rain.

This piece was done with a soft water color base and then drawings were done in gel pens.

I will dance naked

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life up until this point.  I do that when I am reading books by Kris Radish.  I just finished reading Dancing Naked at the Edge of Dawn.  Kris believes every woman has the potential of being the heroine of her own story.  Sometimes I feel like I can be one of those brave women who dare to say "No":  No to conventioanl and boring, no to fears of being alone, no to the deep fears of not being good enough.  A woman who can say yes to adventure and fun.  Those of you who have known me for only a short time are wondering what the hell I'm talking about.  Isn't this the woman who lived with a man unwed for 17 years, a woman who went sky diving and participated in a mud run?  Yes, but these are all new to me.  Up until I divorced I was the perfect daughter, wife and mother.  As my mother put it, I wouldn't say "shit" if I had a mouth full.  Occassionally I feel the strong bonds that held me so tight for so many years.  I then want to fight and scream and run naked in the streets.  I will never go back to being that subversive insecure little girl. This is my time, my life, my moment of truth.

I will
dance naked
when I first
learn
to walk ....
and there
will be
a rainbow of light
colors
to blind
the binding minds
the closed hearts
of the men and women
who said
"never"
I will not
simply walk
but
fly
with wings of gold
woman
warrior
feeling with a heart
the fineness of the journey
and dancing naked
at the edge of dawn
is the gate
that moves my soul
into the endless
remain
of possibility

poem by Chesnay Susan Thomas from: Passing the Light - Women in Transition 1968

Fireworks under the Arch

Wow, what an incredible evening!!!!  I have lived in Granite City over 50 years and tonight was my first time to actually go to the St. Louis Independence Day Fireworks Show.  For years I've tried to get the men in my life to take me but it was always the same; they were saying too much traffic, too many people, too much noise, blah, blah, blah.  While I was thinking, yes, wonderful sounds, smells and sights.  What a terrific chance to watch people, listen to free live music and be so close that I can smell the explosive powder as the fire works explode in glorious colors.

Hooray, Darrell ask me to go before I had a chance to do my usual begging.  He even thanked me because he loves to go and couldn't find anyone to go with him. 

All of my senses were going haywire as I walked from the Metro Link toward the sea of humanity.  Thousands and thousands of people pressed up against me, walking toward our destination, the stage set up under the St. Louis Arch where Jimmy Gentry and his band were singing country western songs about this great land that I am so fortunate to live in.  Everywhere I looked there was another interesting person.  My head was swiveling all around trying to take everything in.  One woman had seven small children holding hands like a long chain telling them to never let go.  A group of young black boys, shirtless, laughing and pushing each other playfully.  Small children looking up at me with big eyes, both scared and excited at the same time.  A woman with the brightest apple red hair I have ever seen in a skin tight rainbow colored dress and gold stilettos.  I swear, when I first saw her from a distance, I thought she was a clown - Wrong!.  Big beer bellies hanging naked over droopy shorts.  Bodies covered in exotic tattoos.  Black, white, Asian and Latino were all represented there.  What a wonderful country with so much diversity.

By 9 PM. the tension was getting thick.  Everyone was anxious to witness St. Louis' tribute to this great nation's independence, the fireworks spectacular.  Finally at 9:20 P.M. we heard the first crack and saw a shooting light lift off from the barge positioned in the middle of the Mississippi River.  All eyes follow the light upward and yelled as the first rocket exploded into a shower of red, green and silver stars that fell gracefully back down to us.  The rockets continued for 20 to 30 minutes.  20 to 30 minutes of ecstasy.  We were so close I could feel the explosion in my chest and then I felt as if the colors were coming down to wrap themselves around me like my grandmother's old patch work quilt, safe, warm and oh so happy.  I looked up at Darrell and with my eyes told him thank you.  Thank you for yet another wonderful experience.  Why did I wait so long?  No longer will I wait.  If no one is willing to get out and experience all life has to offer I will do it alone.  What have I got to fear?