Blogging: A gift to give yourself

When I started writing my blog it was with the intentions of working on my writing skills so I wouldn't look like a blithering idiot as I expressed myself in my book.  My book has stalled and the blog has turned into a personal gift to myself, a place to share my observations and thoughts on the world around me.  I am able to be free and creative here and something more.  It is a refuge of sorts, a place to be authentic.  There are days when I sit down at my computer and pound out my feelings on the keyboard that I feel as if I have had an hour long session with a grief counsellor.  A counsellor who is never opinionated, who never questions my decisions.  Only quietly listens and lets me pour my heart out until I can intelligently reflect on my past and present life and voice my fears for my future.

I have expressed my feelings towards my friends and family in blogs written here in the past as dearly beloved treasures.  That still holds true but there is another side of me besides the social butterfly who flits from friend to friend soaking up the sweet joy they bestow upon me.  I also enjoy being a loner.  I truly enjoy my time being alone.  Quietness is an integral part of my happiness and my inner peace.  Some people find being alone uncomfortable.  They feel loneliness.  I am not one of those, I feel I am not alone, I am with me, with my thoughts and dreams.  It is my opportunity to become the creative person I thrive to be.  Having time to truly be alone and work through my creative process brings such joy into my life.

Yet another gift from blogging is my new found blogging friends.  My blogging friends have made my story richer by them sharing their stories with me, free of charge.  What a gift, and they have never met me and quite possible never will.  I am relatively new at blogging and have a feeling more gifts will be revealed to me as time passes and I delve deeper into the blogospere.  I just love surprise gifts, don't you.  I can hardly wait to see what gift I will open next.

Rock Climbing

My sisters and I have a Bucket List that whenever possible we have tried to fill together.  Yesterday we completed our forth accomplishment together, we went rock climbing.  We have already gone skydiving, rode a mule down the Grand Canyon and completed the Hannibal Cannibal.

For years we have heard of the tenacity needed to be a rock climber from one of my brothers who has been an avid rock climber for years, traveling around the U.S. with his boy scout troop sampling the many different surfaces of rock terrain.  He explained to us that not only was the sport challenging but also costly.  Due to the dangerous situations one can get into while scaling a wall of rock it is essential to purchase good gear.  The shoes alone start at $75, his were much higher.  None of us have the money to purchase such expensive gear.

Still this was something Sue had been talking about for at least ten years so Mary and I were determined to make her dream come true.  I began my research on the Internet and found there are hundreds of rock climbing gyms located around the states.  Even better, I found one located in Springfield, Missouri, just a short hour drive from Sue's home.  I called the gym and talked to a very nice young man who was friendly, knowledgeable and anxious to help.  Just what three middle aged novices needed.

We have a cousin, Lynette that lives in Springfield who expressed a desire to come observe our first attempts.  By the time we all met she had worked up the courage to climb with us.  Perfect!  It takes a team of two to rock climb, one person climbs while the other (the belayer) holds the rope taunt.  We now had two teams.

A young man perhaps 20 years young took our money, gave us our gear and told us he would spend the next 45 minutes or more teaching us how to use the climbing gear, safety techniques and get us climbing the easiest wall.  The wall was 15 to 20 foot tall with hard plastic objects scattered along the flat surface for hand and foot holds.  This was only one of the half dozen or so climbing walls in the large building but we were beginners and did not tackle any of the other walls.

We listened intently to our young friend's instructions and then excitedly geared up for our own challenge, the wall.  Sue and Lynette were the first team to climb.  Sue was the belayer and Lynette the climber.  They were both awesome.  Lynn was about half way up and with a shaky voice yelled down, "Did I forget to tell you I am afraid of heights?"  I knew she was but she overcame her fear with real bravado.  Coming down was the fun part.  She leaned way back and simply walked down the wall.  When she reached the floor the room erupted in a cheer and we quickly prepared Sue for her climb.  Sue was a natural.  She looked like a monkey climbing that wall.  She didn't seem to have any fear at all and she even jumped around on the wall while descending.  I was very proud of her.  Next came Mary who also did very well.

Sadly I did not fair as well.  I started off great until I let the Whattheheckamithinking monster take over  reasoning power.  Three years ago I broke my left wrist roller skating.  Not just broke, shattered.  I struggle with fears of injuring that wrist further.  While hanging on to the wall the monster told me my wrist was not strong enough to hold me if I were to slip and fall.  Once again I listened to Monster Fear who told me not to bother, just give up.  Realistically that should not have been a concern.  The rope would have caught me, not my wrist.  I did not go up near as far as the other three and when they went up again, I did not follow suit.  While I was changing clothes I thought about this and started thinking of different routes I could have used and my confidence started returning again.  I felt like Sidi in the book the Ya Ya Sisterhood when she did not go flying with her brother, sister and friends and later cried because she hadn't gone.

This was such an awe inspiring adventure. When we first discussed learning to rock climb we said we may never do it again but at least we tried.  Now we know we will do it again and next time I will have my head on straight and not worry about what could happen.  Just enjoy the thrill of the whole experience.

Happy Halloween

Witches, ghosts and goblins, going two by two,

I'm not the least bit frightened; unless they holler "BOO!"

Stop Saying You're Fine

One of my new blog friends introduced me to Mel Robbins' book Stop Saying You're Fine which is just another sappy self-help book. She made thisinteresting point "We deny how we feel because in our society, you're not supposed to be unhappy."  I've come to notice I am not happy and as confusing as this may sound, I am not unhappy.  I am somewhere in between.

I have been trying to use her book as a guide to determine what is going on in my little pea brain.  It is pretty scary.  It is beginning to look like I have been reading too many books to the grandchildren.  My grey stuff looks an awful lot like Pooh's grey fluff.

Mel Robbins says we normally pick easy, surface level problems to work on so we don't have to tackle the tough stuff, things like I need to lose weight, go back to work, my fiances are a mess.  You get the picture.  Sure enough, when I first started listing problems I realized these items were simply annoyances.  So what is really bothering me? 

Shame!  Regret!  I have just realized I have squandered too many years without ever chasing my dreams causing me to feel life is empty, without purpose.  It is difficult admitting this to myself and even worse admitting to others.  It is as if I am a bad girl and I am disappointed and frustrated on a daily basis with myself.

So what's a girl to do?  The dreams I had for success as a young woman no longer have value to me.  Back then I wanted to have a good paying job and respect from management. 

What do I want to do with this life of mine?  Looks like I am going to have to stir the grey fluff around in my head a little more.  What will I find?

Somethings Gotta Give

I am quite literally living on a prayer.  The price of gasoline keeps going up and with it the price of everything else.  It takes gasoline to get products to market and we can't expect the truckers to take a hit.  They have families to take care of too. 

I don't mean to whine and I know that is what this sounds like.  I'm just expressing what I see around me.

Today I went to Meideke to have new brakes put on my truck.  The mechanics were polite and pleasant but I noticed something else.  There seemed to be a sense of hopelessness about the two men I spoke with. 

Jobs are difficult to come by.  Thousands upon thousands of people are unemployed.  Managers know they have their employees in a tough place.  My son was actually told by his immediate manager to keep his mouth shut and do what he is told right or wrong.  As employees come he is a dime a dozen and easily replaced.

I came across this old poem the other day and it made me wonder, is this the way the average American worker is feeling?  He/she is certain there has got to be something better out there but have been trod upon for so long they just don't know where to begin their climb out of the deep hole they have dug themselves into.  The average American has sky high mortgage payments and credit cards that have been maxed out. 

Something's Gotta Give by Christine Kane

One of these days I'm gonna jump off that shelf
Hit that ground runnin'
At least that's what I keep telling myself
I've been sitting on the fence for way too long
Warmin' that bench as chance moves on
And believe me that isn't the way to live
And this barely getting by is really getting old
And it's hard to turn the wrench on a rusty bolt
But someday, something's gotta give.

Is the American worker literally living paycheck to paycheck?

Are they as poor as Job but not as patient?

What next?

Winnie The Pooh

My granddaughter has requested I don my Winnie the Pooh costume again this year to escort her around the neighborhood trick or treating.  Since I am a loving grandmother and would never dream of disappointing her, I have once again dug out the costume.

Recently I came across Pooh's Little Instruction Book.  Since I am going to portray Pooh, I thought it might be beneficial to read the small book.  This is what I learned:

"If possible, try to find a way to come downstairs that doesn't involve going bump, bump, bump, on the back of your head."  Very good advice indeed!

"Try not to sit down on thistles; it takes all of the life out of them.  Besides, someone might have planned on eating them for lunch."  I find thistles to be a bit too stickery for eating but perhaps Eeoyre does not.

"If you secretly get into a kangaroo's pocket and she begins to jump away, be prepared for a bumpy ride."  Now that sounds like fun!

"When having a smackerel of something with a friend, don't eat so much that you get stuck in the doorway trying to get out."  But isn't it impolite to turn down a perfectly good smackerel?

"When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it."  So perhaps it is best not to waste so much gray fluff thinking of all those things.

"When going round a spinney of larch trees tracking something, be sure it isn't your own footprints you are following."  Yes, sadly I have been known to get lost going to visit my father. 
"Before floating up into the sky with a  balloon in search of honey, make sure the bees you are looking for are the right sort of bees."  And all this time I thought everyone was good, kind and loving and of course wanted to share their honey with me.

"People who don't think probably don't have brains; rather, they have grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake."  And grey fluff is hard to come by so must not be wasted on trivial thinking.

"If you think you see a Heffalump in a trap make sure it isn't really a Bear with an empty jar of honey stuck on his head."  Oooops, do I need my eyes checked?

"If you are looking for Home and find instead a sand-pit, try looking for a sand-pit.  Then you'd be sure not to find it, which would be a Good Thing, because you might find something that you weren't looking for which might be just what you were looking for."  It is also a very good way to begin a new adventure.

"Tiggers can climb trees. Of course, there's the coming down too, which is difficult, unless one falls, in which case it is .....easy."  Been there, done that.  Now it is my honor and pleasure to teach my grandson how to climb trees.

For a Bear with Very Little Brain, Pooh seems to be a smart little guy;  but then I may think that because I can relate to the predicaments Pooh gets himself into.   I wonder what would happen if I had a CAT scan?  Would a brain be found or just gray fluff?  My family would probably tell you fluff.

Oh, What a Day!

This morning I woke up with energy to spare.

This was a day to accomplish great things.  A day to check off the many items on my to-do list that keep reappearing day after day because I just don't get around to them.  This was the day to make all those phone calls, to mop the kitchen floor, to take down curtains and wash them, to wash the windows, to organize the closets, to mow the grass, to strip the bed and wash the sheets.  This was the day to write that pesky book, to finish painting those baseball caps, to walk to the park and breath in the fresh autumn air and dream the wildest most daring dreams.

So why is it that such a perfect day can be ruined in one simple act?  An act that is so common, so ordinary.  I simply opened my mail.  No it wasn't an unexpected bill.  It was my monthly investment statement.  Oh Hell's Belles!  My portfolio took another hard hit by the stock market and I only have half of my investments in the stock market.  No wonder my broker called Friday for a little friendly chit chat.  He has never done that before.  (When you are as poor as I am, the brokers don't bother with you.) 

If things continue as they are now, when I really need the money it will all be gone.  I started to panic and then started to cry.  All those years of saving so that I could retire and travel are now all but gone.  What am I going to do?  I could truly understand why business men jumped to their deaths during the great recession. 

I was feeling that low but managed to pull myself together and do some ho-hum work.  (That is housework to those who enjoy it.  Personally, I find housework to be the most boring activity anyone can do and avoid it whenever possible.)  Then rather reluctantly I headed over to Darrell's house to spend the evening as promised.  Believe me, the mood I was in, I would not have gone if he had not sounded so pathetic when I told him I had things that needed to be done.

He suggested we go to Monk's Mound for a little walk.  I agreed but wasn't sure why he would want to climb up those steep mounds.  Turns out he had other ideas.  There is a path that runs through a stretch of woods on the Mounds property where perhaps one hundred wild deer live.  His intention was to startle some deer so that they would run and show themselves to us.  We walked all the way through the wooded area and only saw one lonely deer.  Once through the area we had the choice to turn around and retrace our steps back through the woods or walk along the edge of the woods in an open field back to where we began.  Since we were unable to stir up any deer in the woods I suggested we walk back along the edge. 

Wow! am I glad we went that way.  The deer were everywhere grazing on the tender grass in the fields.  We hadn't gone far when we saw three, then four more.  Once they spied us they shook they fluffy white tails at us and entered the woods out of sight.  One big doe decided to stand her ground and would not budge as we slowly walked towards her.  Finally she snorted, flicked her tail and left us standing alone.  We must have walked a mile around the woods stopping every once in a while to point at two or three deer quietly grazing. 

The finale came at the end of the trail.  The open field at the edge of the parking lot where we left the vet we saw eighteen deer grazing on sweet grass.  This must be a regular event because there were several cars parked on the edge of the parking lot with people taking pictures and watching through binoculars at these lovely animals.

Yes, I am still worried about my financial future, but today was still a day to remember.  The days go by so much faster as I grow older.  Remember how slowly the days pasted while we were in school?  Not any longer.  I will try to shake off the feeling of dread and remember, this was a special day.