Sappy Saturday Stories - The Good Doctor's Bones

As I was growing up both of my parents told my siblings and I stories.  Dad was a great story teller of imaginative animals talking to him and Mom told stories about her family.  Now that my father is approaching his final days his stories have gotten more serious but still he enoys stretching the truth a bit.

The following story is one of my mother's favorites.  I have heard it many times.  Before my mother passed away she wrote down some of her family stories.  This is in her words and may sound crazy but is quite true.  I wish I knew in what year this occurred.  My mother was born in 1927 and I know it was long before she was born.

                                                  The Good Doctor's Bones

I don't think that one of the Barnes family ever paid a doctor for a house or office call.  They did chores for the doctor like raking the yard, sweeping out the office, cared for the horse and at night drove him on his rounds.  In that way he was paid his medical bills, you know, you scratch my back and I'll scratch your's.

Now the good doctor wasn't too well-to-do and he wanted a skeleton for his office.  He wrote letters, looked at catalogs and deligently shopped for a good cheap skeleton.  In those days the sign of a good doctor was a skeleton hanging in the corner of the waiting room.  My, how that man wanted a skeleton.  He worried and stewed about the lack of one until he was almost as sick as his patients.

Finally he hit upon an ingenius scheme to redecorate his office -- he would have a skeleton.  Again he wrote to St. Louis and awaited anxiously for an answer.  He took no one into his confidence, this had to be on the Q.T. to get the effect he wanted.  The people of Pleasant Hill were going to be so proud of their doctor's office -- just like a big city slicker's.

One night when all was quiet, dark and peaceful an old car backed into the yard at Poddy and Jake's.  They backed right up to the barn door.  Like a couple of bumbling thieves Jake and Poddy came stealing out of the cabin lean-to where they slept, and joined the driver of the car.  There was low laughter, plenty of foul language and the three staggered into the barn carrying a well wrapped package.  They all three stood beside the car for a few minutes, a bottle was passed, they had a snort or two, then the car was driven away.  Jake and Poddy went back up the walkway, into the lean-to and back to bed.

The next morning the town awoke and had a surprise--Jake and Poddy were already up and at it.  They were at their wood pile splitting wood and laughing and joking like they had good sense.  Now if it had been winter everyone would have known what was going on but this was late spring.  Jake would have liked to stop and talk to everyone walking by but Poddy kept him at the chore.

That afternoon a young man noticed smoke coming out of the chimney at the barn.  Jake and Poddy only used that when they were butchering.  Butchering was done in winter not late spring; what in the world were those two old men up to?  Everyone in Pleasant Hill kept a look out for Jake and Poddy, they didn't take care of themselves, the townspeople were their self-appointed guardians.  Up the hill went the young man, curious?  Yes, but he'd help if help was needed.

When he was near the barn he noticed a foul odor and Jake, of the weak stomach, was behind the barn heaving his socks.  He peeked into the barn and there was bandy-legged Poddy, pitchfork in hand, standing over the tub used to scald hogs.  Every so often he'd say, "Get back in there you old son-of-a-bitch!!" and push something back into the tub with his pitchfork.  The young man stepped closer and dear God in heaven, the Barnes had done it again.

There in the scalding tub was a little old man with wisps of red hair standing straight up all over his head, watery pale blue eyes stared into space and chin whiskers bristled indignatly!  Our young man decided it was best if he joined Jake behind the barn--in a hurry.

After relieving himself of his lunch he ask Jake,"What have you two old fools done now?"  "Well," answered Jake, "Doc wanted a skeleton!"  Now everyone knew how Jake and Poddy loved the old doctor but this was carrying that love a little too far.  MURDER!!!  "No, no", Jake said.  He was sure he and Poddy were not involved in any murder, they weren't that kind of Barnes.  The two of them went back into the barn where Poddy was still at work, they had to stop on the way so that Jake could get another armload of wood.  The old man was a tough old bird and took lots of boiling.

The good doctor had come upon the idea of buying an old derelic from the St. Louis Morgue and using it for a skeleton.  He couldn't quite figure out how to handle the job but he knew two men that could.  He called Jake and Poddy into his office and put the question before them.  Later the two came back and explained the whole procedure.  It sounded logical to him so another letter was sent to St. Louis telling them to notify him immediately of any unclaimed bodies.  He needed one for medical purposes.

Jake and Poddy explained this to the young man.  Jake stirring the vat now while Poddy grabbed a bite to eat.  Uncle Jake wasn't hungry!

Later, when all the meat was picked off the bones, our two family scientists took them to the good doctor.  They were firmly wired together and strung up -- why Pleasant Hill had as fancy a doctor's office as any city slicker's.  I use to wonder why Uncle Jake would always ask the doctor, "How's the man holding up?"  --- Now I know.