Worst Job Experience

Tomorrow my father and I are headed for Branson for some family fun.  I'll be away from my 'puter for a week so thought I'd give you something to laugh over while I'm away.  I came across this e-mail I received several years ago from one of my customers.  It was so funny I couldn't just delete it.

This is supposedly a true story told by a guy named Rob, a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.  He sent it to his sister, Sue.

The e-mail starts out, Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.  Last week I had a bad day at the office.  I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.  Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.  As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea.  I wear a suit to the office.  It's a wetsuit.  This time of year the water is quite cool.  So what we do to keep warm is this;  We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.  This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea.  It heats it to a delightful temperature.  It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.  Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.  What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit.  This floods my whole suit with warm water.  It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Nothing funny yet, right?  It now gets better.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch.  So, of course, I scratched it.  This only made things worse.  Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.  I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.  In agony I realized what had happened.  The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.  Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.  However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.  When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.  I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.   His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically.  Needless to say I aborted the dive.  I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.  When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.  As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber.  The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my asshole was swollen shut.  So, next time your having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be it you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Hope you laughed as hard as I did when I read this the first time.

Hot Rod Grandma

I've been going through some melancholy lately.  Nothing serious, just not my usual fun loving self.  This gray cloud of doom has been hanging over my head every since I broke up with Darrell.  My daughter says I am a "people pleaser" and "people pleasers" sometimes cannot full fill their pleaser duties.  I failed terribly and can't say "I'm sorry" enough but that doesn't change the fact that I did what I had to do because I did not feel the same way that Darrell did. 

Today, while stopped at a street light, I glanced over at the car next to me.  Two young men looked over at me and mouthed "Wanna drag?"  I had to laugh as I gave them the thumbs up.  The light turned green and with a squeal of wheels this Grandma left them standing still.  I slowed down and waited for the young men who were laughing also.  They both gave me a thumbs up and we parted ways most likely never to see each other again. 

Sometimes something small and insignificant can completely change the course of the day.  I am now singing The sun will come out tomorrow, betcha bottom dollar that the sun will shine. 

Go Green America

My brother, Bruce is a know it all that can get under people's skin easier than anyone I have ever met.  That includes a couple of my former bosses so that is saying alot.  The thing that probably get under our skin the most is that he is usually right.  I remember going to a trivia night one time with him.  I am very poor at trivia so when he asked me to go along with him I knew it was merely to fill an empty seat.  That is all right with me.  I am not a brain and have no aspirations to change that.  Bruce answered question after question while the other participants observed until a question was asked about an old black and white movie.  I love old movies so I gave an answer.  Bruce promptly told me I was wrong.  How could I possibly be wrong?  This was a subject I loved so my answer stood.  Unfortunately Bruce was right once again and I was wrong as usual.  As Eeyore would say, "Oh bother".

Brother Bruce is also a handy man to have around so last week I loaded my lawn mower into the back of my truck and took it over to Bruce for a tune up.  While Bruce was working on my lawn mower he was talking.  Another thing Bruce does very well.  I truly believe he can out talk me and all my friends know I can really gab.  This day's subject was climate changes.  I have tossed this subject around and never was convinced that man was causing such a big impact on the climate.  Bruce is a high school science teacher and after his explanation I believe he is a very good science teacher.  After Bruce drew a couple of simple charts for me the whole picture came into view.  (It has to be very simple for me to understand)  Wow, it is really scary.  Not so much for me but definitely for my children and grandchildren. 

So what can we do to reduce our carbon footprint?   My parents grew up during the Great Depression.  They really knew how to Go Green.  We simply did not get new things because there was something better out there.  If it's not broken we use it until it does break and who knows, we might find a new use for the broken item.  Dad was and still is an expert at repurposing broken items.  Here are a few suggestions that I already do to reduce my personal carbon footprint..

1)  Set your thermostat a few degrees lower in the winter and a few degrees higher in the summer.

2)  Install compact fluorescent light bulbs (CFLs) when your older incandescent bulbs burn out.

3)  Wash clothes in cold water whenever possible.

4)  Stop using disposable plastic bags.  Bring your own bags when shopping.

5)  Stop buying disposable plastic water bottles.  Buy reusable water bottle.

6)  Turn off lights when you leave a room.  Don't turn on lights for as long as you can.  Open the curtains and enjoy natural light.

7)  Drive the speed limit (Bruce's favorite) and combine all your errands for the week into one trip.

8)  Pay as many bills as possible online.

9)  Support your local economy and shop at your farmers market.

10)  Use cloth instead of paper to clean your kitchen.

This is just a few suggestions.  You can subscribe to good eco-friendly blogs such as The Daily Green, Tree Hugger, Keeper of the Home and Simple Organic for other environmentally friendly ideas.  Another good reason to go green is that 9 out of 10 time practicing green alternatives are more frugal options.

Life number 615

How many lives have you had?  I've been thinking about the many personalities of Bubbely Lou and decided there are so many personalities because of the many past lives.   Some of my past lives I don't recall at all but I know I have lived them from those who witnessed them such as my father.  Dad tells me I was once a yelling screaming pooping hell raiser.  According to Daddy Dearest the doctor swatted me on the butt and I didn't stop yelling for months.  Can anyone blame me?  Is that anyway to greet a new comer? 

Thus the beginning of my many lives.  Life 5 must have been wild if I could only remember it.  Life 5 began the day I learned to walk or as I am told, the day I learned to run.  Mom and Dad must have had quite a time with two little rug rats running in circles getting into everything.  I am told I was a precocious curly haired blond in the 8th life who loved baby brother so much I threw whole raw potatoes in his bassinet to feed him.  Such an endearing child. (Me, not baby brother)  Life number 489 began the day I divorced John and life number 585 began the day Les died.  With every new achievement, new celebration, new crisis I overcame, I entered into a new life.  I became a new person.  In some cases a stronger person, in others a more compassionate person. 

So here I am at life number 615 wondering who the hell I am.  This much I know about myself, I am a loving mother, grandmother, sister, daughter, friend who likes to perform victory dances when I win at anything especially since I seldom win.  I like to celebrate my birthday, any one's birthday, any one's victories, I just like to celebrate.  I love hats and tea cups and tea pots and art journals and old movies and Mel Gibson even if he has gotten a little nutsy.  I love anything neon green especially if it is polka dotted.  I am a feminist ready to defend a woman's rights.  I hate lies and injustices and prejudices.  I hate any type of cruelty.  It just kills me to see people and animals abused.  

All this in a little over 60 years.  I intend to live to the ripe old age of 100.  How many more lives?  Guess you'll just have to come along with me to find out.

Old wounds

As I walk along the path of my new life without the warm reassuring touch of his hand, I see shadows I never noticed before.  Shadows around every corner. The shadows are the scars from wounds received years ago that were never properly administered to.  In my haste to get on with my life after divorcing my husband I did not take the time to clean the old wounds and soothe them with salve.  I merely wrapped gauze over them concealing the ugly raw sores.

Now all these years have past and I find I have not healed.  Sadly I have hurt a good man because I had not taken the time needed to reflect and heal.  I enjoyed time with Darrell and find myself wanting to be with him but I realize I cannot get into a relationship with him or any other man until I have dealt with the past. The fear of the past has infected the wound.  Trying to move on and stop occasionally to put on a new bandage is just a cover up.  I realize what I need to do is stop and embrace the sadness of old wounds that I have been holding on to so tightly. 

Gene Knudson Huffman says this of his experience with pain, "I've never felt a pain that didn't bear a blessing".   Sad, but oh so true.  Through our journey through life we stumble and fall and get scraped up pretty badly.  If we are diligent with our search we will find we have been blessed with a gift after the pain and fear and grief from our mishap.  The gift comes in many forms, it may be a new knowledge of your inner strength, or a discovery of friendship or it may be a spiritual gift.  Every life experience has a gift.  Seek and ye shall find!

Self-care tool box

I, like everyone else, have gone through periods of melancholy and have learned ways to deal with it.  Yet when that sadness hits me, it is as if it is the first time and I don't know how to handle it.  I have decided I need a special self-care tool box.  A box that hold the tools needed to drive sadness away and help connect me to myself once again.

Three things help me better than all other home remedies to conquer that occasional sadness; laughter, music and movement.  So I headed to Dave's Movies to rent the tools needed to loosen the grip sadness had on me.  I rented The Great Race and Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.  First I watched the classic comedy, The Great Race.  If the comic team of Jack Lemmon and Peter Falk don't wipe your blues away and put on a happy face, then nothing well.  After that I put the musical in my DVD player.  Laughter may be the best medicine but what Doctor Lou prescribes as the fastest acting medicine is a dose of song and dance.  Music makes me feel good all over.  It has a way of reaching the core of my very being and grabs my heart.  Before long I had my eyes closed and I was swinging and swaying all around my living room.  This wonderful musical supplied two of the three tools needed to sweep my blues away.

I guess I should have rented Singing In the Rain.  That musical has all three tools in it.  I wouldn't have had to sit through two movies to get rid of the blues.  Actually I enjoyed Seven Brides for Seven Brothers so much I watched it twice.  Next time I am out where I can purchase DVDs I am going to look for Singing in the Rain to put in my Self-Care tool box.  Hopefully I won't need it for a while but it never hurts to be prepared.

Can anyone hear my Pain?

Today I struggle.  I struggle more than usual and I realize this inner conflict is no different today than any other day.  But today I want to scream and yell and cry my heart out and beg and plead to anyone and everyone to hear my pain.  Today is the day that the caretaker has chosen to breakdown.  Not completely because that is something I just won't do.  Well at least not today.

Helen Keller advises us to "keep your face to the sun and you won't see the shadow".  I have been trying, really I have.  I went to the St. Louis Art Museum on this beautiful sunny day.  A day that God created for us to rejoice in.  The art museum is a favorite spot for me to meditate.  The artist throughout time has been able to create a visual story of the lives of people around them, their hardships and celebrations.  I wonder what the artist would see if they painted my image today.  I believe I know because I have already painted that picture.  My self-portrait is not pretty.  The clown who tries so hard not to let everyone see her tears.

Even the art museum could not change my mood so I decided to work in the yard.  I drug out the lawnmower and started it up.  I was able to cut the one strip I had missed last time because it started raining and I ran out of gas.  I guess I'll put the lawnmower away.  I just filled my little truck up with gas and I am not going back to see those thieves again today.  Once a day is enough.  That is one reason I am in a mood.  One of the many reasons.

I guess it is time to get out pen and paper and start a gratitude list.  I hate being in these moods and refuse to go to bed hating my life.  The real problem came about when I woke up missing Les badly once again.  So I'll start my list with how lucky I have been to have loved and have had love in return not how I really feel at this moment of being cheated by his death.  Yes, I know, this too shall pass.