Today I struggle. I struggle more than usual and I realize this inner conflict is no different today than any other day. But today I want to scream and yell and cry my heart out and beg and plead to anyone and everyone to hear my pain. Today is the day that the caretaker has chosen to breakdown. Not completely because that is something I just won't do. Well at least not today.
Helen Keller advises us to "keep your face to the sun and you won't see the shadow". I have been trying, really I have. I went to the St. Louis Art Museum on this beautiful sunny day. A day that God created for us to rejoice in. The art museum is a favorite spot for me to meditate. The artist throughout time has been able to create a visual story of the lives of people around them, their hardships and celebrations. I wonder what the artist would see if they painted my image today. I believe I know because I have already painted that picture. My self-portrait is not pretty. The clown who tries so hard not to let everyone see her tears.
Even the art museum could not change my mood so I decided to work in the yard. I drug out the lawnmower and started it up. I was able to cut the one strip I had missed last time because it started raining and I ran out of gas. I guess I'll put the lawnmower away. I just filled my little truck up with gas and I am not going back to see those thieves again today. Once a day is enough. That is one reason I am in a mood. One of the many reasons.
I guess it is time to get out pen and paper and start a gratitude list. I hate being in these moods and refuse to go to bed hating my life. The real problem came about when I woke up missing Les badly once again. So I'll start my list with how lucky I have been to have loved and have had love in return not how I really feel at this moment of being cheated by his death. Yes, I know, this too shall pass.
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