Life is difficult still

I pride myself at being an optimist or at least that is the public side of me.

Do you want to know the truth?

Do you want to know how I really feel?

I've decided to come clean.

I'm scared.  My head chatters scare the dreams right out of me.  My life was so much easier when I had a good paying job and my best friend and lover by my side.  When he became ill I knew my place was by his side so even though I realized my finances were weak I decided not get a job.  Three years later and I still don't have a job and my lover's ashes have laid in a box for over two of those years.

There has always been a part of me that thought life would be easier once I survived the grief, once I embraced my new mantra "life is short" and let go of all my fears.  But that hasn't happened.  Life still feels as difficult as ever, if not more so.  My insecurities and fears have grown into gluttony monsters who devour all my hopes and dreams all the while whispering in my ear, "You are not good enough, you are untalented, and you never will be".

Yes, I have been lucky.  I have lots of wonderful friends and family and a new man who wants nothing more from me than to love me.  But tonight, I am sad.  Tonight I mourn for the beautiful life I had.  Tomorrow I will once again embrace my new mantra "life is short" and put on a happy face.