Life's short

Since Les' death I have been going through this life of mine as a sleepwalker.  Occasionally waking and stepping out of the fog, but eventually going back to dreamland.  It is time to wake up.  I owe it to my friends and family who have stood by me while I have mourned the loss of my lover and also to a fine man who seeks my companionship.  I cannot guarantee that I will ever be able to return his love, but I owe it to him to give him a chance.

Darrell proposed to me this past weekend.  I was taken by surprise and in haste told him no.  I regret my harsh reaction.  I was unprepared for that all important question.  I know my answer hurt him and for that I am deeply sorry.  Just the same the answer still remains no.  Just two weeks earlier I had asked him to slow down.  I thought he understood that my heart was still raw from grief.

His question has served as a wake-up call.  As a reminder that our existence here on earth is only temporary and that our time is fleeting.  Life is too short to hold back.  When I was growing up I watched my mother make out lists.  She made the usual grocery and to-do lists.  I was never much on lists.  I was impressed by her organizational skills but I always had so many irons in the fire that I thought I didn't have time to make up the lists let alone consult them.  It seemed nearly impossible to make time for a list.  There simply was never enough hours in the day.

Perhaps I was wrong.  What if my thinking was backward?  Could I have possibly done more if I had kept lists?  My mother was only 57 when she died.  Too young.  Was she able to complete all the activities she had on her lists?  A couple of weeks ago I made up a Bucket List.  Most of the items on the list were just for fun.  Nothing truly serious.  Darrell's proposal made me realize life is short and it is time to make up another list.  Here goes:
     1. Stop being afraid.  What have I got to lose?
     2. Let go.  Stop holding on to the past.
     3. Get rid of junk.  Simplify, downsize.
     4. Take time to read the classics.  They are called "classics" for a reason.  Find out why.
     5. Take some time to indulge in anything I want.  Eat, drink, be merry.  Get a massage.
     6. Travel and explore.
     7. Take myself to confession.  Rid myself of old guilts.  Make my penance easy on me.
     8. Imagine what it would be like to fall in love again.  It doesn't have to be Darrell but don't give up on       love.
     9. Buy a convertible.  Something flashy.  Red or yellow.  Put the top down and drive someplace without thinking about it.

     10. Create daily.  Use every ounce of talent God gave me.
     11. Go into a store that has removed all price labels and just buy whatever the hell I want.  Buy without worrying about the cost.
     12. Buy a fancy formal dress.  A Cinderella dress and wear it someplace wild and wonderful.
     13. Look at myself naked - physically and psychologically and spiritually.  Accept what I see.
     14. Stop doubting myself.
     15. Tell the people I love that I love them.
     16. Take a painting class and/or pottery class
     17. Forgive and forget.
     18. Make new friends, all ages and personalities.
     19. Stop following all the rules.  Drink wine before noon.
     20. Go see more plays.
     21. Call on all the people in my address books.  All those people I haven't seen for years.
     22. Organize a cousin reunion.
     23. Get over your technophobia.
     24. Publish my book.
     25. Expand my horizons.  Keep my options open and do something remarkable.

I plan to live to the ripe old age of 100.  However you don't get to choose when you're going to die.  You can decide how you're going to live now.  In the next 40 years I will continue to evolve and define who I am and what I will do with this precious life of mine.  How about you?