Mark Nepo describes the relationship between that of the caretaker as similar to that of the alcoholic. When I first read that I could not relate, especially since I realize I am a caretaker. After some contemplation I started to understand. The caretaker is addicted to that feeling of love and gratefulness he/she receives from the person they are attending. Like an addiction the caretaker just can't get enough of that warm fuzzy feeling. This is where the problems come in. Like an addiction, the caretaker continues to let others place their burdens in his/her hands and before long the self-sacrificing caretaker is no longer happy. We all have our own problems and struggles in our own lives. Self-sacrifice has become a noose around the caretakers neck that keeps getting tighter until somethings got to give.
It has taken me many years to come to the realization that no one person can take on the problems of others. I cannot make everyone happy. We all need each other. Not to rescue others or take on their pain because we are also stumbling and struggling in the course of our lives. But rather to be there as the loving guide. There is no one who has not struggled, who has not experienced the rawness of life. Even those celebrities we hear about have their own heartaches. What we can do is relate our life experiences to others. We can share our compassion and accept their stories without embracing their pain as our own.
Yes, as you can guess I have been consoling someone I love. I wish I could take on their pain, but realize that is not an option. I tried to take my own advice. I sat quietly and listened and then gave examples of my similar struggles. Was I able to help? I don't know but since I am a caretaker I am thankful that I was there to at least try.
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