Introducing, Louise, the actress

In a society where it is cool to be composed at all times, I am a misfit. A misfit who for years tried to conceal this fact. I worked at a banking institution for 23 years. Most of those years were spent performing the duties of a trust administrator. At all times and under all circumstances I was to remain dignified and composed. After all, I was responsible for some very wealthy people's money.

Anyone who knows me well knows I am a highly passionate person who loves life. I yearned to laugh and joke with my customers. I wanted to give them a hug on meeting with them and upon our parting. What can I say? I am a hugger. I love people whether they are rich or poor, black, white, Asian, or Hispanic, illiterate or brilliant. I find our differences fascinating. Obviously high finances was not the ideal job for me. I worked at the bank out of necessity.

Therefore I was not highly upset when my position was terminated. It gave me the opportunity to find myself. My plan had been to take one year and do just that. Dig deep into my inner psyche and find out why I was put on this earth.

I blew it. I wasted that year. I wish I could tell someone what I accomplished in that 12 months. Then I wouldn't feel so ashamed of myself, but for the life of me, I can't remember. I occasionally wrote in a journal. Perhaps I should find it and read it. No, that would just be some more wasted time and I already wasted 12 months.

Then I received my wake up call. My Les became very ill. At first the doctors couldn't seem to find the problem. No one seemed too concerned. After all, he just had the flu. He had a tick. Perhaps the tick had poisoned his blood. No all tests came back negative. Then he started losing weight and occasionally spitting up blood. I knew before the diagnosis. He had lung cancer.

All those years that I worked at the bank, I told myself I was an actress. A darn good actress at that. My customers did not know I was a zealous force of nature who was always smiling and looking for my next opportunity to look silly, dance in the rain and walk through the mud so that I could experience the delectable feel of mud oozing between my toes. I was now going to face my greatest acting challenge. Les could never know how devastated I was after hearing the doctor's diagnosis. It wasn't just Les that I had to fool. I didn't want friends and family to know how truly afraid and vulnerable I felt.

As I think back on it now, I realize I wasn't fooling anyone. But the family was as devastated as I was so they let me continue to play the part of the strong efficient woman. My mantra then was "Yes, I can!" and it still is.