Life just ain't fair

My sweet wonderful daughter is going through a rough time right now. She is experiencing so much emotional pain, it hurts me to watch her. Or perhaps it hurts me so much because I have been through the same pain.  Yes and no.  Yes I have been through it and no I hurt because I love her and hate to see her hurting.  Guess what? Most women have endured this pain in one form or another. This anguish has been passed down from one generation of woman to the next. The names and situations have changed but the basic story is the same.

My daughter is going through a divorce and caring for her two young daughters. This story is not about divorce. It is about the difficulty in raising children. I said "women" when in fact it does not necessarily have to be a woman. It is just that a majority of the time the woman is the main caregiver of children. When a child is born it is completely helpless. A lot of time, energy and money goes into raising that child to adulthood. Somewhere along the way the caregiver loses his/her identity and simply becomes Mom/Dad.

My baby girl came to me in distress saying she is lost. She doesn't know it, but she is on a quest most women take. (Perhaps men go on the journey too, but I am not acquainted with their spritual journey.) The stress of caring for the family, house and job can be more than one thinks they can handle and forces them to ask questions about their life that they may not otherwise ask. She is searching for something more. (There is actually a book by that name Something More, written by Sarah Ban Breathmach.) She doesn't know what that "more" is, but she knows there must be more to this life than wiping snotty noses, cleaning and cooking. She is giving birth again only this time to the authentic Jennifer.

I wonder if some of my daughter's internal anquish is because she is angry. An anger she cannot express.  It is forbidden to express anger toward the unfair position a woman is put in when she has children.  She loves her children with whole heart and soul but she like her husband needs "me" time.  She has custody of the children (and that is what she wants) so has no "me" time.  Her duties to those children are 24/7.  Occasionally she has to ask the father of her children to help her by watching the girls when she has appointments outside of the home and cannot take the children along.  It makes her angry to be put in this position.  Why can't he take his fatherly duties as seriously as she does?  Why does he have his "me" time and she doesn't?  Its a man's world.  If the children's father were to get custody of them,, she would be ostercized by people as an unfit mother.  For a woman there is no greater sin than to be an unfit mother.

There are times I look at my daughter and see despair.  She acts like somebody switched off the lights inside her.  Her dilemma is common.  Her despair comes from the vast imbalance of a woman's responsiblities.  "A woman's work is never done."  This is a patriarchal world.  The women's movement in the 1960s has helped the imbalance but there is still more work to be done. 

So, to my baby girl, I love you just the way you are.  I am here for you.  I know you will be a much stronger and wiser woman when this is over.