Scathenly Brilliant Ideas

Scathenly Brilliant Ideas

Monday, March 7, 2011

Love continues after death

When I first decided to write a blog I thought I would use it like a diary.  After the initial postings and finding that I had written three essays and lost all three because I had saved not published my essays, I have decided to come clean and put my love story out there for all to see.  After all, my original idea was to write a book about my art journals that were created as a coping tool while my lover was dying of cancer.

I have loved with my whole heart, my whole being, but not wisely.  Does the heart love wisely?  I think not.  That is why the saying "love is blind" is so popular.  Back in 1993 while my wounds were still open and bloody from divorce, I met Lester Holland Hall.  He was nothing like anyone I had ever met before.  I was in love before I knew what hit me.  Problem is that I was from a traditional family and wanted to get married.  He had been married for 34 years unhappily and never wanted to marry again.  I broke up with him more times than I can count over the 17 years that I was with him.  All our fights were over one thing.  I wanted to be married.  He did not.  He loved me and was completely committed to me.  He said we did not need a piece of paper to prove our love for one another.

The last five or so years we were together we probably our best because I had given up.  I loved him and couldn't be happy without being with him.  Wouldn't you know it?  We are happy and then the damn man gets sick and dies on me.  My book is about the emotional trauma I went through when I found out I was losing this man I loved so much and how I survived his illness and death.

It has been 19 months since Les died.  For the last 7 months I have been dating a very nice man.  We have so much fun together.  He is actually the perfect date.  He takes me dancing, sends me flowers, thinks I am beautiful and is always finding fun things to do with me to keep me entertained.   I should be the happiest girl alive.  He is very much in love with me.  But I am not in love with him.  I love a dead man with all my heart and soul.  I keep trying to move on and just can't do it.  So what do I say to that perfect man who is trying so hard to make me love him?

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