Who's Sorry Now?

Sometime life is so unfair.  Yesterday I wrote on facebook "life's not always fair.  Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow."  The reason I said that is because Darrell and I were going to have a very serious talk about our relationship.  I was really concerned about the outcome.  It turned out as I suspected.  Darrell was unable to accept the fact that I am still grieving.  Emotionally I am still holding on to a dead man.  He wants me to spend more time with him that I can.  I can't.  I was finding myself crying as I drove to Collinsville to see Darrell.  I couldn't stop thinking of the love of my life.  Even though his life is over.  I know, I'm a real dumbshit.  One day I'll move on.  Just not today.

But this is what I learned from these two relationships.  Not only is life not fair, but neither are men.  I loved a man with all my being for 17 years who would not marry me.  I told people we did not choose to be married.  Truth is he would not marry me.  He thought I would take his children's inheritance.  I was not in the relationship for money and was willing to sign a prenup but that did not change his mind.  So, as I said, I am a real dumbshit.  I stayed with him, nursed him, cried as I watched him die in pain.  Then I was on my own.  No job, no security what's so ever. 

As I suspected, Darrell wanted the same thing.  Not that I was wanting to marry him but he wanted to put a ring on my left hand.  He wanted me to be there like the good little wife.  I would end up doing exactly the same thing.  We would have lots of good times, I would be there for him through thick and thin.  But inevitably the bad times would come.  He is 69 years old with some health issues.  Some serious health issues.  Since I am 9 years younger than Darrell, I would be once again, taking care of him until he dies and once again on the street.  I guess my wounds are just too fresh from my loss but I am just not ready for that kind of pain again. 

So now Darrell and I are both hurting.  We are born wet, naked and hungry.  Then things get worse. I care very deeply for him.  It kills me to hurt him, but the pain would be worse if I continued to pretend that my feelings for him would blossom into the forever and ever type.  Then a year down the road I realize I could not continue this lie.  He wants love and I want friendship.  Talking about friendship; what about all my new friends that I have made in the corvette club?  Debbie wants me to continue hanging out with the winery group.  Time will tell but not right now.  Darrell needs time to lick his wounds and me having a good time with his friends would only hurt him more.  I can't do that.  I love that man, just not the type of love he wants.

So that is the story.  I knew my friends would want to know so here it is for the world to see.  My deepest apologies to Darrell.  I did not mean to hurt him, I'm just not in the emotional state of mind to give him what he wants from me.